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LiLmisschicana
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Name: LiL mAmaZ aKaRacHeaL
Gender: Female
Interests: wen i can socialize around mature people that know what page im on in life, ones that understand me, ones who can be considerete of others well being, ones who can talk the talk and walk tha walk. i enjoy smokeing and kickin back wit my little amount of friends and making long lasting memorys, i love shopping and spendin money, i love writing what i feel, i love spending time wit my family and watching my sister and brother grow up, i love being around my baby a lot of the time n just laying around in my jamas being cuddled up watching movies.
Message: message me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  MeXicAnzFinest07
Yahoo:  edgarslilmamasita
Member Since:
9/14/2004
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| hey well again it has been quit a minute since i updated this, but because im now posting the link in my myspace i should be updating quit freqently, but lately it has been quit a confusing life for me which if u know me well i hate being confused about whats going on with my emotions about everything in my life, its been quit crazy, i moved back in wit the parents and well i did this for myself, i choose to leave the place i was at with my boyfriend, his mother and his sister, i just had alot going on with me personally inside emotionally also that the household was a quick thing i chose to move into which blew things even harder my way, if i stayed i knew i was headed for a break up which i really dont want or even a breakdown of depression which im not planning on going down that rode one more time, so its kinda better, im freakin about my car, knowing i make min.wage its going to take me longer to make the money to fix it so i gotta work with my mom on asking to use her car which is a bitch cus if she decides to have one of her days and says no then quess like i cant do what i want ya knoe, which sux.! then im on that same bullshit which im not getting into detail about if u knoe me you knoe what im meaning, which im kinda getting tired of doing it i wanna be strong and walk away cus i hate what its doing to me emotionally, i tend to let things out while doing it and it comes out soooooooooo wrong and i hate the person i am on this, god sumtimes i wanna run from everyone and just breakaway and have my space im trying to do everything at once and its clotting my head, i just think its me trying to please everyone & god im so worried about letting people down that i just dont say how i feel anymore cus i dont wanna hear anyones mouth anymore ohhh racheal u forgot me racheal u forgot me racheal u promised racheal wtf, its like people lean on me to save there god damn situations and if i say no homie i cant help they make me feel like shit like worthless, and my whole life i always felt not good enough i hate getting responses from people that way, so i crowd my self when i dont wanna do it i do it and when i wanna say something i dont, and thats what i think is killing me, i just need a moment to myself where its okay not to answer the phone to anyone, its okay when i dont wanna kick it , and just lay in bed and cry my eyes out until i feel okay thats what i want the most, but its like there is no time cus everyones worried about them again! | | |
| Close my eyes Let the whole thing pass me by There is no time To waste asking why I always used to expect <center>to change</center> The past I hold inside that kept eating me alive all the painful experiences <center> it put me through</center> I understand it all now cant dweal in the past regreting all of it keep having it hold me back from new shit <center>in front of me</center> that is now makeing me a better person inside faking that i was okay not how i live nowadays accepting shit how it is my happiness wont get wasted on <center> these bullshited games</center> taking my pain & locking it away making life easier finally able to open up another part of me With all the words I say <center>Repeating over in my mind</center> Some things i can't erase No matter how hard i try leaveing them be there just now healing thereselves & soon it will be okay for me <center>An exit to escape</center> Is all there is left to find going blind & struggling happens along my way finding the way out overcoming the <center>struggling & suffering</center> removing that blind fold that blinded me understanding why it happened like it did dark tunnel appeared showing a light at the end for me <center>a escape</center> listing more ahead not scared anymore removing the blind fold a little more quicker noticeing bullshit that can hurt me again faster understanding why shit is learning to let what i cant change go finding my light to escape to start all over again <center>easier to find</center> This is how my life is. | | |
| well its like a great 2 or year later since ive been on here, doesnt seem like anyone likes this shit anymore so they moved on to the new an improved myspace haha. but again i have a myspace im now 18 and fucked up way to badly im not with fuckin edgar nor kennys ass no more. like all tha rest of these mutha fuckers in my life did da same bullshit do nothing but hurt me, fred my first love moved on like always we talk wen it comes down to seeing if he can get me sum weed wen i cant get it and im quick to say im over him totally and moved on to better shit but dont get me misunderstood he is still a great person to keep around, black kenny well one day i hope that nigga realizes that hes a joke and did nothing but hurt me. he cheated on me our whole year relationship and even after fighting and hurting big time for his ass and noticeing all he wanted was sex he still aint man enough to admit he cheated on me. but i still chat wit him here and there but fuck him like seriously. edgar i cant even explain my view on him anymore cus half the time that nigga aint himself hes eighteen a graduate outta high school and still plays games like a immature asshole like the boys in ninth grade, he isnt who he acts on the outside because i knew edgar wen no females wanted him and when his punkass was a virgin and not all about a party crew, but off that nigga i dont convo myself wit peeps like that no more more and more people in my life have came and gone i still hold a strong friendship with my girl ashley but shes the only female i got love for she has been holding it down through all this struggle that happened to me .. if u didnt know i got into drugs...drug dealing and got hella respect from a lot of people .. i dated a guy named kenny but he was white and mexican and got so into it i achieved the respect so ever since that nigga i claim fucked my life all up due to the main fact of me dropping out of school and dealing and doing so many god damn drugs to be with him my life probably wouldnt be so hectic. i cheated on him hard wit his best friend after a year with his drama living wit him cus i got kicked out wen i was 16 ran away at 17 came back around ran away again but this time i was wit his best friend greg big mistake it was another nigga claiming to love me but didnt really give a flying fuck.. so yeah ive been through a lot my boy brandyon if u look back a couple of weblogs u will notice he wrote a little something about me well yeah my best friend in cali next to maggs and rell aka brian. killed himself a year after my cousin died and ive pretty much been going crazy trying to get through life now as an adult ive gotten tired of partys and doing drugs everyday being stupid, i got my boy daniel bestest friend in the world and my sister my girl ashley soon to be a mother of a babygirl and my loving x-best friend now my dream come true relationship a wonderful supporter in my life my boyfriend / finace.. yes im getting married hopefully in the year 09 with a guy ive known now almost 6 years he liked me since 8th grade and i liked him also but i was so winded up in bullshit i couldnt be with him but we stayed friends and it was hard dont think it was easy cus i used to imagine in my head kissin him and havin him do these amazing fantasys with me but now ever since he was a dealer of my dealer i hit him up after i say a year, cus we were off and on we were both on some other shit i realized i mean something just told me inside like a message from god like he is the one finally, no questioning like tha past had us going through but some real ass shit .. but he was winding up in tha drug that fucked me up tweek something told me i needed to help him and thats what i have accomplished that i can say im very proud of by setting him straight and holdin him up in life, but because i always been tha type that saves everyones life before mine just about 4 months ago my parents realized i dropped out of school, and once again found out i was still doing drugs so they kicked me out and i wanted it to be official so i got all my stuff and moved out for good so now 5 years into it im still no longer living at my house with my family and im living with my sweetheart curtis holmes i couldnt be happier but due to everything it kills me inside sometimes cus i cant stop thinking of him ready to screw me up like tha rest of them, i mean he has hidden shit and lied already but who doesnt but im not blind no more i know whats up im grown up now i see tha light before its ruined and i watch my own back ya knoe? but im looking for a job and smokin reefer just once in a good while aint it crazy!!! and i dont fuck wit alcohol as much that killed a lot of things in my life n i do mostly shit still but not nearly as much like i did but id say this year im going to continue to write my thoughts in here start shit fresh off the top of the year 07.. haha.. well whoever is reading this still .. dont b shy to leave a comment.. i love yall k.. and 2 all my people standing by me still thanks so much i never forgotten any of u. well im outtie like woutie.. Kisses xoxo | | |
| ooooo fuck yah!!!!! i havent wrote in dis bitch in the most longest time, but ooooooooooooooooooooo my god im drugged da fuck out i cant think my mind is wack and i havent slept all night i was on da phone til 5 wit someone not metioning no names ya knoe people talk haha, but anyway im still a drug addict dealing with life that i hate and trying to cope wit things but i dont care fuckkkkk............................... i dont knoe what i want in life people!!!! if anyones listening lol i mean reading wow im fucked up its like 6:19 in da morning what am i doing? but i miss being happy when im sober so i have to get drugged out to act happy and shit isnt dis wacked!!! but i got a boyfriend im back wit edgar my main squeeze fa sho lol, but im lost i cant talk about how our relationship is going cus to tell you da truth I HAVE NO FUCKIN CLUE!! i jus knoe i like him and da feelings dere but den again i feel all sorts of shit that i cant describe so let me jus shut the fuck up and tell you people FUCK YOU ALL I DONT GOT SHIT TO SAY BUT I DONT KNOE HOW IM DOING OR WHAT I FEEL OR WHO I FEEL FOR OR IF IM EVEN OKAY I JUST HATE EVERYTHING N EVERYONE AND FUCK FUCK YEAH!!!! CHEAK BACK HERE I MIGHT WRITE SOMETHIN SMART HEHE CUS I DELETED MYSPACE I HATE THAT ADDICTING PLACE PEOPLE SCARE ME ON DERE SO FUCK DAT SHIT I LIKE XANGA AGAIN CUS IM AWSOME FUCK YEAH WELL FUCK IM LEAVING BYE BITCCCCCCCCCCCHHHHHHHHHHHHZZZZZZZZ | | |
| alright EDGAR IBARRA lol... wtf you b always up in someones business what if i didnt wanna update my mutha fuckin shit lol... naw its all gewd i guess but anyways lets get on whats going on right now at 6:36 am monday july 11th... okay well do u really think i got up this fuckin early and am happy about this shit lol... some mutha fuckin nigga called my cell askin for bud and like 2 of his friends and at like 3 this morning me and 2 of my boys had to deliever some bud all across the las vegas area it was a mission mostly cus i was blown and had alot of bullshit thats going on in my life on my mind, my life is back to be the worst life ever but imma b really real right now I do drugs to stop my thinking and stop my crying cus what now lies benenth me kills me day in n day out i hate this shit, okay well you all know my bestest all around girlfriend ashley well me n her have been through so much together in n out of so much shit wit our parents trying to cope wit the fact that were fucking up our lifes but you know honestly i really c how it is right now my parents are so caught up argueing and leaving and being in there own world that they barely see the fact that im suffering, but i lived my life like this already i do all this shit BY MYSELF, they argue and fight cus my dad is messin around and i hear it like i did when i was younger i watched my dad come in and out moving around alot having my mom bring others into the house when i was younger and knowing my dad now is my step dad i pretty much claim him as my dad knowing ive known him since i was 12months and he raised my like i was his own, he now has 2 kids from my mom and there so young and the only thing i think about when i hear the yelling that comes from the walls of the closed room im in is imagineing the hurt and the tears i cryed when i was there age i wanted it to stop i didnt want my dad to ever go but he always did, and living wit my mom was always hell she never was there she had to take care of me go to work and it was hard on her being a single mother, and i know how it feels to watch it that young it hurts more than anything seeing the tears my 1 n 4 year old brother and sister cry i tell my parents stop doing it in front of them they'll understand then but it dont matter about me no more, ive been going through so much thoughts that i cant even keep up wit myself i fucked up in school ive been dealing drugs for cash honestly to get the fuck outta here as soon as possible and im always trying to hold me and kenny together knowing its fallin so much, it hurts so much that i cant even begin to explain, but you know its like im alone no one hears the pain no one sees the tears no one will understand me.... i feel like im in a broken home day in and day out i hate this way im living i wanna run far away from everything and everyone n start my life from the beginning but sometimes things dont come true but you know i feel like ive cryed so much lately but imma change cus no one hears it no one can help this shit i go through cus no one understands the pain left in me. | | |
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